A Change in Direction
I don't actually know if many people know that before coming to Northwestern, I wanted to become a doctor. In high school, I was a part of the program "the Northwestern Medicine Scholars Program." It was a program that was supposed to help students from underrepresented backgrounds get into medical school and ultimately, become doctors. I was a part of the program for 3 years, and I was heavily seen and praised as someone that would "make it all the way through."
I had everything going for myself, I had the grades, the extracurriculars, and the support from my family, friends, and mentors. I was so sure that I was going to go on the path of becoming a doctor that I didn't even stop to think about if I truly wanted to be a doctor.
It wasn't until everything started to shut down during the COVID pandemic that for the first time in my high school career, I had time to fully conceptualize what my future was going to entail if I truly decided to pursue a career in medicine. I realized then, that I wasn't exactly confident that I wanted to be a doctor or that I truly had the commitment and passion to go through with it.
I eventually decided that I wanted to pursue something else but, I wasn't sure what that something else was. And at this point, I was already admitted to Northwestern through Early Decision as a Chemistry major.
For the first time in my life, I truly had no plan or real feeling of control over my future. I felt like I was failing myself and everyone that had supported me because I was letting go of something that I had worked so hard for.
The Start of It
I decided on a whim that I just had to pick something and see how it goes. So, I decided to take CS 111 in the fall of my freshman year. I struggled, and I wasn't by any means the best student in the class but I wasn't bad at it.
So, for the sake of feeling like I had some sort of direction, I decided to switch to Computer Science. I knew I liked computers and technology, and I knew that I was alright at math and problem-solving, so I thought I could at least try it.
I knew that I could probably get through the classes and major but I didn't know if I was going to be happy with it. Slowly, I started to realize that in every single class I took, I was always comparing myself to others and I always felt like I was behind. I mean, I would overhear people talking about their internships, research, and personal projects. I felt like I was always playing catch-up and if I failed an exam, couldn't solve something on my own, or work on a project, I was going to get left behind. I truly did not know what I was supposed to be doing.
Battling Self-Doubt
Because I was going through all of these thoughts and emotions, I started to handle these thoughts and emotions in very unhealthy ways. I would stay up late, not eat, and not take care of myself physically or mentally. I would constantly push myself to my limits and view every mistake as a failure. I over committed myself to clubs, research, and classes because I thought that if that's not what I was doing, then I was going to be left behind. I became obsessed with the idea of being successful and being the best that I became a part of the toxic culture that I was trying to avoid.
And so I didn't realize it then, but for the first two years of college, I adopted this mindset of "I will never be good enough so I have to work harder than everyone else to make up for it."
Because of that, I was constantly stressed, anxious, and depressed. I was always worried about my future and I was always worried about what others thought of me. I worried about if I was going to be able to get a job, if I was going to make it graduate school, and every time I opened my computer, I would feel an overwhelming sense of dread and stress.
I missed out on a lot of opportunities and experiences because I was so hyperfocused on my future and my career. I missed out on making friends, going to events, and just enjoying my time in college. Sure, I was on the executive board of multiple organizations, I was a part of research labs, and I started making a name for myself in the CS department but I was never truly happy. I had friends and I had fun but I was never truly present. I was always thinking about what I had to do next, what I had to do to get ahead, and what I had to do to be successful.
Summer
This past summer, I was working in San Francisco for a big technology company. It was an amazing experience and I got to meet really smart and talented people. Most importantly though, it was the first time in a very long time where I was able to take a step back and truly reflect on my life and my career.
I didn't have classes, I didn't have to worry about exams, I didn't have to worry about my GPA, my clubs, research or anything. My life was simple: wake up, go to work, come home, and do whatever I wanted. At first, this was one the scariest things that I had ever experienced but, it slowly became the most liberating thing that I had ever experienced.
I slowly realized that there was more to my early 20s than just my education and school. I had accomplished so much and I had done so much in such a short amount of time that it was now time to take a step back and enjoy being in the moment. I realized that I cared so much about how others perceived me that I could not enjoy living.
So, I started to commit myself to intentionally taking care of myself. I reconnected with my old hobbies, I started to make new friends, and I made efforts to be more present in my relationships and working through my thoughts and emotions. I don't think that I've perfected it, and by no means have I truly freed myself from all of the commitments and expectations that I have for myself but, I am slowly learning to be more present and to be more me.
Reflection
This isn't a story about how I overcame my imposter syndrome, anxiety, and feeling lost because I am very much still working through those emotions and thoughts. Nor is this a post about how an internship or job changed my life.
This is a story about how I am learning to be more present and to be more me. I am learning to be more comfortable with who I am and to be more comfortable with the fact that I don't have to be perfect or overwork myself in order to make it out.
I think this is a ultimately a story about how I am transforming the way I view myself and life and escaping the mindsets and habits that have been ingrained in me for so long.
Special Note
I just want to say thank you to everyone that has supported me and has been there for me especially those that took me under their wing and paved a path for me. I know that I'm not perfect, but I am grateful for everyone that has been there for me and has helped me grow. A special shoutout in particular to Danny, who has been truly an inspiration and a great friend to me. You are the reason why I was able to write this. Thank you for helping me realize that there's so much more to life.